Love's Challenge (Pearl Vampire Chronicles #5) Page 4

  “Hey, Carlos. How about you ride up front with Ivan and let me and Sarah have the back, okay?” he said. I could see his jaw muscles were so tense that I actually thought that if he clenched it any more, it might break.

  “Sure thing, Matt,” Carlos mumbled. Come on, I thought. Please make a smart-ass, Carlos comment about being able to hear us. That’s what the normal Carlos would do. That’s what the Carlos that wasn’t screwing me would do. I held my breath as I waited.

  “Just please keep her moans to a minimum, k? That frickin’ couch in the hotel room kept me up most of the night. I’m wicked tired,” he said as he climbed into the front seat. I had to force myself to not say ‘Whew’ out loud as I exhaled. Thank you, I thought to myself. Ivan opened the back door for us and Matt climbed in first and pulled me tight. He didn’t even wait until Ivan had closed the door before he was kissing and groping me. I wanted him to yell at me. I wanted him to hit me. I didn’t want this. But this was my punishment. He knew that. I knew that. What I did last night was the worst thing I could’ve done. What I had to do right now was the hardest. I choked back the sobs that so desperately wanted to come out. I forced my arms to not push him away. Instead, I made them pull him closer to me as I felt the car begin moving down the road. It was a three-hour drive home from the airport, and it was going to be the longest three hours of my life.

  Matt shifted and quickly pulled my shirt over my head. As his mouth moved to my breasts, I weaved my fingers into his hair and bit my lower lip. I was trying anything to give him the reaction he needed. I closed my eyes and tried to bring memories of us together into my mind. But I couldn’t find any. My mind had shut down and refused to help me. I started to feel the panic building inside me. I started to fear that I really wasn’t going to be able to do this. That I really wasn’t going to make it. I was going to stop him. I had to. We had to fight this out first. I couldn’t let him turn sex with him into something angry and hateful. I just couldn’t. I was going to push him away. I had made that decision. But in the split second before I acted on it, he stopped. He just stopped. He rested his head on my chest and quietly cried for a few seconds. “I can’t,” he sobbed. “I just can’t fucking do this to you.”

  “Oh God, Matt. I’m so…”

  “Shut up, Sarah,” he yelled as his head shot up and his hand clamped down on my mouth. “Just shut the fuck up for once. I know what’s happened, Sarah. But I don’t want to know what happened, got it? I don’t care if you feel some burning need to unburden yourself in order to feel better. That’s just too fucking bad. You don’t get to do that. Not with this. Not this time. I don’t want to hear it. I don’t want to know it. Understand?”

  I squeezed my eyes shut and nodded. He pushed off of me and moved to the far side of the seat, staring silently out the window. And he stayed there, frozen and silent, for most of the drive. I quietly put my shirt back on and just sat and watched him. I watched and I waited. Waiting for what, I wasn’t sure. But I waited. And when we were ten minutes away from home, I finally knew what I was waiting for. The tiniest of gestures that was so small yet so huge it almost broke my heart. Without moving his gaze from the window, he quietly reached his hand out and laid it on the seat, inviting my hand to hold his. I held the flood of sobs back that were drowning me. I set my hand on his and clasped it tight. After a minute or two like that, he pulled me across the seat, wrapped his arm around me and kissed me on the forehead. And still I didn’t cry. I couldn’t. He wouldn’t let me. No crying. No fighting. I couldn’t beg for forgiveness. Those were his terms… and this was my punishment.

  The car pulled to a stop outside the gate. Carlos jumped out first and quickly walked back to the trunk to retrieve his suitcase. Matt climbed out of the back with his arm still tightly wrapped around me. Carlos tried to quickly pass us so he could get inside, but Matt put his hand on his chest and stopped him. “Jeez, Carlos, what’s your hurry? You got somewhere to go? Got someone to see? Got someone to be with?” he sneered.

  I saw the anger flash in Carlos’ eyes. “No, Matt, I don’t have someone to be with. I told you, I’m just tired. I’m going to bed,” he said, but I could see every tense muscle in his body. He was ready for a fight.

  Matt shrugged his shoulders. “Suit yourself. I just thought the three of us could catch up in the kitchen while we eat. I want to hear what you and the kids did after I left. And I’m sure you’re hungry after using all that energy to, you know, play with the kids,” he sneered.

  Carlos’ jaw flexed. Shit, I thought, he’s getting pissed.

  “Come to think of it, I could use something to drink. I’m starving. I haven’t used that much energy at one time, ever,” he spat.

  I swear I could see the steam coming out of both their ears and noses. They were like two lions fighting for their territory, without fighting.

  “Great. Then we’ll all go get something to eat. Won’t that be cozy,” Matt said through clenched teeth. Matt turned, and with his arm around my shoulder, started walking through the courtyard. I could hear Carlos following quietly behind us. Suddenly Matt stopped in his tracks. He had this look on his face like he was trying to remember something. I glanced quickly at Carlos, then back to Matt.

  “Honey?” I whispered.

  “There was something I needed to say?” he mumbled to no one in particular. “No, not something I needed to say. It was something I needed to do,” then he spun around and punched Carlos in the face. Fist to jaw. Crack! I froze. I couldn’t react. How could I? Every reaction would be wrong. Should I act surprised and say, ‘Matt, what the hell was that for?’… Wrong. Too condescending. Should I rush to Carlos’ aid? Wrong, wrong, wrong. Nothing I could do or say would be right. So I just stood there, frozen. Carlos was down on one knee, rubbing his jaw and spitting out blood. Matt was bent over trying to flex his hand. Matt held his unhurt hand out to Carlos to help him up. “Clinic first? Then the kitchen?” Carlos looked at Matt warily then he hesitantly took his hand and nodded as he stood up.

  Chapter Five

  “Hi David. Hi Cameron,” I said as we walked into the clinic and I spotted our two resident physicians. “Ummm, Matt needs his hand x-rayed and Carlos needs his jaw looked at.”

  They stared at us. Yeah, guys, it really doesn’t need an explanation. Matt hit Carlos and there’s really only one reason that he would ever do that and everyone knew what it was, I thought. Finally Cameron spoke up. “Okay, Matt, you come with me. David, why don’t you take Carlos?” he said.

  The four of them started to head out into the hall, but stopped when they all realized that I wasn’t moving. “Ummm, I’ll just wait here for you, okay?” I said as I tried to keep my legs from shaking. Yes, I was losing it again, but, by God, they weren’t going to see it.

  “Okay, Sarah. We’ll be back in a few minutes,” Matt said. Then they all turned and walked out. I was down on the floor within seconds, silently sobbing. I couldn’t risk being heard by anyone. So my stupid tearless eyes did their stupid tearless crying, silently. Why not? I thought. No tears, no sound. Makes perfect sense, right? But not for me. When am I ever silent? About anything? I talk about everything. I’m noisy during sex. I need to be noisy during crying, damn it. But now I couldn’t. Now, there was a lot of couldn’t and can’t in my life. I did that. I brought that on. It was my fault, and I was going to have to live with that, forever.

  “Um, excuse me? Are you all… oh it’s you,” whispered Maria. I saw the anger flash in her eyes.

  “Hello, Maria,” I said as I quickly moved from the floor to one of the chairs. “Can I help you?”

  “I was looking for Carlos,” she hissed. “I’m guessing you probably know where he is.”

  “He’s down in x-ray, with David,” I said.

  “Why is he in x-ray?” she said.

  “Because… because… well, because Matt punched him in the jaw,” I said.

  Surprise filled her face. She stared at me for a while then broke into a huge grin. “Well, I hope he knocke
d some sense into him. Tell Carlos I’m in our room.” She turned and walked out, mumbling, “she’s the one he should punch.”

  I know, Maria. Oh how I know.

  I was recovered enough to function when I heard them coming down the hall. Carlos had an ice pack on his re-set jaw. Matt was wearing a brace on his hand. Thankfully David and Cameron were discreet enough to not ask questions. “Both of you come back tomorrow afternoon. You should be healed by then,” David said. I nodded to them as I made eye contact. Yes, it’s obvious. Yes, I did this. Yes, it’s my fault. That much was written all over everybody’s faces… at least I thought it was. The three of us walked silently down the hall toward the kitchen, with Matt deliberately placing himself in the middle, keeping me as far away from Carlos as possible. We all tried not to, but couldn’t keep ourselves from making eye contact as we fed. But the looks we all had spoke volumes. We were three people who had so much we needed to say, yet we couldn’t say one damn word to each other. Perfect. After an uncomfortable moment, I just had to break the silence.

  “Maria showed up at the clinic, Carlos. She told me to tell you she’s in your room,” I whispered. Carlos visibly flinched like he had been slapped across the face then he squeezed his eyes shut. Matt tried unsuccessfully to suppress the sinister grin that he had on his face.

  Carlos cleared his throat. “Guess I better go see what she wants. I’ll, um, see you around,” he said as he glanced desperately at me. I couldn’t let him leave like that, I just couldn’t. I closed my eyes and quickly linked with him, ‘It’s all good. Go to her,’ I thought then I opened my eyes and felt a little better as I saw the relief in his face. I forced myself to not look as he stood up and walked out of the room. Shit, how the hell am I supposed to fix this? I didn’t move. I didn’t breathe. I didn’t know what to do. We sat in complete silence, just staring at the walls. Finally, Matt pushed his chair out and stood up.

  “You must be pretty tired. I’ve got a few things to finish up in the office. Why don’t you go on to bed? I’ll be in a little later, okay?” he said then he gently kissed my forehead.

  “Oh, okay. I’ll see you later, then,” I mumbled. I followed him out into the hall and watched him walk away. He didn’t look back, not even once. I hung my head and walked alone to our room. The second I was inside I had my cell phone out.

  “Hello?” said a sleepy voice at the other end. “Sarah?” Cindy mumbled.

  “You were wrong Cindy,” I choked out. “He’s not going to get over it.”

  Now she was awake. “Sarah. Calm down. All this just happened last night. Give him a little time. Was he there when you got home? Because, if he was, that was a big step for him. When I talked to him this morning, he said he was going to be gone when you got home. He was there, wasn’t he?” she said.

  “Yes, he was here. But you talked to him this morning? And how did you know it happened last night?” I said

  “Yes. He called me and told me it had finally happened. He could hear it in your voice when you called him to tell him your flight was cancelled. He could feel it. He knew, Sarah. He knew and he still loves you.” she said.

  “No he doesn’t. How can he? Cindy, I fucked this all up. I don’t do that. I don’t fuck things up. I fix things. But I don’t know how to fix this, Cindy. How do I fix this?” I sobbed.

  “He does love you, Sarah. That’s why he’s still there. That’s why he didn’t leave. Just give him a little time to work things out. He loves you, but he’s angry right now. He knew this was going to happen, but the reality of it actually happening is a little too much for him right now. He just needs a little time,” she said.

  “He won’t let me talk to him, Cindy. How can I fix this if I can’t talk to him?” I said.

  “You love him, right?”

  “More than he’ll ever know,” I sobbed.

  “You still want to be with him?”

  “Yes.”

  “Then you don’t need words, Sarah. Show him. Words are meaningless to him right now. You need to show him how you feel. You need to show him that he’s the one you want. What happened with you and Carlos had to happen. It couldn’t be stopped. But Matt is the one you belong with. Everybody knows that. You know that. Carlos knows that. Even Matt knows that. We all know that Carlos will never belong with anybody, not for forever. You and Carlos will always have a connection. And this will probably happen again and again over the years. You two will fight it until you can’t control it anymore, it will finally explode and then you will all get back to your lives. But everyone knows Matt belongs with you and you belong with Matt, always,” she said.

  “I can’t go through this again, Cindy. I can’t put Matt through this again,” I whispered.

  “Yes you can and yes you will, Sarah. It’s inevitable. It’s unavoidable. It’s destiny. It’s fate. Call it whatever you want, but it’s your future. And you’re strong enough for this. Carlos is strong enough for this. Matt is strong enough for this. And your marriage is strong enough for this. Trust me,” she said.

  “God, I hope you’re right,” I said. “I’ll let you go back to sleep now. Thanks, Cindy. I love you.”

  “I love you too, Sarah. Go get some sleep. He’ll be there in the morning… or maybe even sooner. Bye.”

  “Bye,” I said. I hung up the phone and dragged myself to bed. I didn’t expect to sleep, but I was so physically and emotionally exhausted that I drifted off right away. But the nightmares started soon after. Violent, horrible nightmares full of all the crap that had led us to this point in our lives: the Elders, Malina, my falling on the spikes and almost dying when I saved Matt, and the pain, all the pain that I’ve ever felt since I was turned threw itself on me all at once. I felt my body curl up into a ball. I know I cried out more than once. Suddenly a feeling woke me that I never thought in a million years I’d be feeling tonight. My scar tingled. My scar – the exact mirror of Matt’s scar – the scar that was necessary as part of the process to turn me into a vampire – the scar that allowed us to feel what the other was feeling when it was touched. I opened my eyes and looked at my hand. I actually felt angry at it. How dare my hand make me think he was touching his scar? But then a slight movement caught my eye. I looked over the tops of my fingers… and saw him. He was sitting in the chair in the corner of the room. As he stared at his hand and traced his scar, he finally spoke.

  “I thought about going to Stacy’s (who runs our own vampire call-girl service here in the compound) tonight – picking a girl and screwing her – just to prove to myself that I could do it… and to hurt you. But then I realized that I don’t want anyone else. You’re the only one I want. You’re it. You’re more than enough for me. So, I started wondering. Why aren’t I the only one you want, Sarah? Why aren’t I enough?” He continued tracing his scar, but looked up at me and waited for my answer.

  “You are enough for me, Matt. You’re more than enough. You’re the only one I want,” I said.

  “But I’m not. Look what you did,” he whispered.

  “Look. You’re not going to believe me, but I’m going to say it anyway. I didn’t want to do what I did. I only want you. And Carlos didn’t want it to happen either. What happened was something that we couldn’t stop. I don’t know why there’s this weird connection between us. We tried to fight it. We did fight it for as long as we could. But it just got too big. I couldn’t fight it anymore. He couldn’t fight it anymore. But we didn’t want it to happen. I didn’t want him. I only want you,” I said.

  “So, is it going to happen again?” he said. Fuck, I thought, don’t ask me that. Okay. Be honest, Sarah.

  “I don’t know. Probably,” I whispered.

  “Do you want it to happen again?” he said. Shit, you had to go there, didn’t you?

  “I don’t know, Matt. Yes and no.”

  “But, he’s going to sleep with other people. Doesn’t that bother you?” he said.

  “No,” I said.

  “Why not?” he said.

  “Be
cause he’s not the one I want. He’s not the one I belong with,” I said.

  “Well, if I ever do find someone else that I want, you have to be okay with that,” he said.

  “I know,” I whispered.

  “But, will it bother you?” he said.

  “Yes. More than you’ll ever know,” I said.

  He nodded and seemed somewhat relieved when I said that. Suddenly pain filled his face. “Shit, this hurts so fucking much, Sarah,” he whispered.

  “I know. And I would tell you I’m sorry a million times if I thought it would make it better. But it won’t,” I said.

  “No, it won’t,” he said. Then he stood up and walked toward me. “Move over. I want to lie down, but I just can’t face you right now. I need to have my back toward you. Can you understand that?”

  I nodded as I pushed myself toward the middle of the bed. “Would you rather I went out to the couch?” I whispered.

  He didn’t answer. He just lay down, grabbed my arm and pulled me in tight behind him. I bit my lip and choked back the sobs that were trying to fight their way out.

  I didn’t move an inch. And I didn’t sleep either. I just stayed right where I was and hoped that it was a beginning and not an end. I have no idea if he slept either, but as daylight crept into the courtyard, he finally spoke again. “Is it like this incredibly powerful and strong invisible thing pulling you? Something, that even if you don’t want it to, it’s still there pulling you?” he said.

  “Yes,” I whispered.